To Shag Or Not To Shag? The World Cup Dilemma
World Cup Blog
We've been keeping a keen - some might say unhealthy - eye on the amount of World Cup nookie being handed out to World Cup players during the tournament, and the results have been terrifically inconclusive.

For instance, Ukraine players were offered sex as a reward for a spot in the semis and - judging by Monday night's match (winning 4-0)  - it's working. But the Costa Ricans were slapped with a total World Cup sex ban, and are suffering as a result. So what's the best line a World Cup manager can take here? To shag or not to shag? Let's find out, shall we?

Maybe it's a cultural thing at work here. Costa Rica, after being banned from sex for the duration of the World Cup have only been fleetingly competent in their matches, but an all-out sex ban has done wonders for Ecuador, who are the only underdogs to have shown flashes of brilliance in the 2006 World Cup group stages so far.

What's going on? Perhaps the WAGs of the Ecuador World Cup squad are so fearsomely ugly that the team, relieved that they won't be pressured into dipping their wicks for as long as they're still in the competition, are playing out of their skins to try and keep the abstinence up for as long as they can. And perhaps the Costa Rican players have been relentlessly henpecked for such a long time that, without their presence, the team forgot how to think on their own.

At the other end of the scale is Brazil, who seem to have some kind of open door policy at work during the World Cup. Wives and girlfriends are allowed to visit for conjugals whenever they fancy it, although the Brazilians - despite sneaking wins in both their opening games - are looking haggard and out of shape. Have they been overdoing it in the sack? Maybe not Ronaldo - by the look of him, the only thing he's been overdoing in bed is ordering room service. Brazilian coach Carlos Alberto Parreira explains his decision:

"Sex has never been, and never will be, banned. If I let the players have sex, then people accuse me of being irresponsible. If I ban it, then they say 'how can you prohibit sex in the 21st century'."

And what about England? Sven's original plan to keep the England World Cup squad away from the various columnists and vacant popstars that make up their wives and girlfriends was dashed after the Paraguay game; after watching England's less than convincing performance he had a change of heart and thought that giving players some bedroom time would improve their game. Didn't work - so maybe he should threaten to cut their balls off if they lose their first knockout game at the weekend.